As an old soul, I tend to wake up way too early on some days. What I would do when it happens? Well, I will start my day staring into a vast world of nothingness, a pitch black space of my boringly decorated room is all I could take in.
It was one freezing morning when I was awaken all of a sudden. Mentally counting the hours I have slept, I audibly sighed when I realized that I have closed my eyes and fell into slumber for a meager four hours. One and a half hours, a visit to the toilet, and few seconds of self-talk later, I finally decided to start my daily grind. Stared at the phone placed on my bedside table, I grumpily scanned through my list of songs and it only took one song to put me on the verge of an uncalled meltdown.
‘Cause I will love you, unconditionally, it said.
I will be lying if I say that I did not feel that light twitch in that region of my heart, which quickly embraced me with that familiar yet unknown emotion of longing.
For a couple of years, I have not actually felt committed to someone. I will not come out clean and I admit that there was a fling I had last year, but that was a messed up situation I won’t get to try again. Other than that, no romantic relationships.
It even became an unrelenting issue of my fellas as they always call my love life as boring, sickeningly boring. One even created an account on an infamous online dating website. She posted my photos and navigated the said app on my behalf, while I was adamantly insisting that I was doing, at that time, perfectly fine. I did not show an ounce of interest at what she does and she announced defeat after several good-looking bachelors were introduced to me.
However, this morning, it felt different because of reasons I couldn’t pinpoint. I asked myself, will I ever be in an intimate and romantic relationship? That question alone made my head swirl round and round. Then, there goes a long list of answers I could think of to classify my timid reasons. Priorities, family, career, self-preservation, financial independence, more time to self, self, self…
It makes me feel frustrated whenever I look back at my thoughts, it was plain selfish.
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He was a great catch. He build houses, buildings, bridges. Bridges, I burned them.
Several years ago, not too long after I felt defeated by love and lies, a man came into the road I frequently travelled. He walked through that path with me for quite a while—held my hands, showered me with sweet words that lingers up until I desired a deep slumber, embraced my being—the catch was, distance.
I am willing to walk with you, he said. Are you willing to be held back by a wandering soul? I retorted. He was firm. He was meant to build structures, so much willing to build mine too. He was willing to serve as a bridge leading me into an obvious relationship he so much wanted to offer. But I thought I was being unfair, so I burned the bridge towards a seemingly attractive position to be loved.
I am back at square one then walked past a wall I didn’t know I built.
My vision isn’t 20/20 since I was 19. It was clear as day that I have unclear sight of things, literally and figuratively.
I walked back to where I have started, my focus was on the familiar road I have come to know—solitary, quiet and cold. I will not blame destiny of the way I have become; if anything, I am more than grateful for it made me live a fuller life.
However, as I trudge my way towards what I have known was right and proper, I realized that I am killing my colorful vibe. In spite of the bright hues and playful air, there seem to be a wall that hinders vibrance to shine through my territory. And in no time, it gradually and successfully claimed my domain with dimness and mournful shade.
I looked up and I was startled to see that the walls I have built unknowingly, painfully, truthfully is looming over me. Like a huge and hungry wave, ready to engulf and drown me.
It wasn’t always that bad; it was soon after that, that I realized it felt great.
It was years after that I got used to this eerie feeling of coldness. It felt empty at first, so hollow that it seemed like I was a dirt and a waste of space. It felt freezing, the shivering is expected to occur more often than usual.
It was a surprise though, that it was not experienced by the physical being. Rather, it is found in a more tangible and real perspective—my inner self. It humbled me, feeling that void and creating every opportunity to fill it made me realize flaws that I have had that hindered my growth.
It brought a certain degree of audacity—not bold nor cocky—a degree to which I became skeptical at the daggers I am willing to take and the endeavors I am not ready to face.
Nonetheless, willing and ready.
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After I spent sometime in a self created world of misery and neglect, I started to consider ways on how to breakdown the barriers I have created. It stirred stressful moments, pressured experiences and restrained relationships. Only then I realized, why destroy the walls if I could climb up?
It will take some time to have a peek at the other side of my fence, but I am certain that it will be a wonderful view and an exciting experience.
Shades and Hues 