YOU REALLY ARE… EXISTENT, AREN’T YOU?

Whilst in class, one contemporary of mine was explaining about the ways on how she saves her money. She even (potentially) accidentally shown the contents of her bank account, though she tried so hard to conceal it, the amount is out in the open. I don’t know if she did that on purpose, to show off maybe? Or she did it only to give color to the drawing she has laid out to all of her spectators?

One college friend recently posted a short clip of the proposal her boyfriend orchestrated. Well, it is expected to be honest, as they always have been a cute couple from way back then.

A friend from high school seems to be travelling a lot. Despite the pandemic, I have seen him striking a pose with wide, cheeky smile with the Boracay sunset on one occasion and then with the surf board, overlooking the great Pacific ocean the next. And when I had the guts to ask him, it is all part of the corporate job I try so hard to do, he said.

One way or the other, I felt the little pang of jealousy pierce right through my confidence and ego. Then I asked, why? And how? Followed by when, then what now… the queue just grew and grew until it is out of control.

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I resisted the possibility that this could have been what they termed as quarter-life crisis.

I am no expert in this aspect of adulthood. I have no idea what does that mean, or how was it explained, or is there any explanation available for the wanderers just like myself? I wouldn’t know. And even if there are any decent translation of this phase in a young adult’s life, I might be attacked by stubbornnesses. Pardon me.

Anyway, I have still indulged myself and jumped up and joined the hyped bandwagon. At the age of eight and twenty years, to begin with, I asked myself, am I too old for this? No. Then, am I allowed to feel these sorts of insecurities and incapacities? Yes.

One article said, everyone’s having them. So, I thought I am not that special to be spared. Ha!

Like I said, I am not a life coach, not even an inspirational person and speaker. In my own terms, these are what I have realized:

1. We all are capable to enhance our abilities, to perform well in our chosen endeavor. But we also have our own incapacities and it is all part of a wider and striking reality.

2. Denial and acceptance are two opposing and powerful poles—Deal. With. It.

3. There are times when we wonder, why it didn’t happen according to plan? Maybe, the delay is needed. Move forward, instead.

4. They said that courage is the opposite of fear; and a cliché that we might have heard countless of times before tells us that, no, courage is still taking steps despite fear. I just have to agree with it. Courage is walking, still and calm, in the middle of a raging storm whilst fear lingers; with head held high, knowing that no storm lasts forever.

5. Discouragements, we start to doubt our purpose in life and begin asking ourselves, what am I supposed to do right here, right now?

6. And we feel frustrated and bewildered because even if we tried our mightiest best to answer the above, we just couldn’t. Not just yet.

7. Relationships are built then broken, and wriggle its way back into our lives, to be rebuilt, only to be broken once more.

8. Then everyone starts to ask us the hundred million dollar question, when will you get married? And we’ll just glare at them like a deer caught in headlight, waiting for the ground to swallow us whole.

9. Our batchmates are climbing the ladder of success, some of them are competitive enough to reach the almost-top, and here we are halfway through, wondering if it is happy and exciting up there. Alone?

10. Blank. Just blank. And that is totally alright, to start once again is both difficult and frightening. Just take the step!

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It isn’t about who gets in there first: who owned that grand car, or how fat his wallet could become each payday. It isn’t about who has the most successful Tinder love story or who gets married first and have an adorable baby. More so, it is not a race. And if in case you felt like you’re stuck in that ground you are standing at for a long time, watching them progress and climbed up and move on, that is completely understandable. Just take your first step, in your own time, at your own pace.

Mid-twenties (up to early thirties, maybe?) is the prime time to explore, to widen our horizons, to consider options. An opportunity to clear the view, wait for a minute or two, then attack. Time to remind ourselves that, while it is not okay to commit mistake, there is nothing wrong in committing one from time to time, only to make ourselves better. A time to learn, unlearn and relearn. Because this time is the trial-and-error phase we all have to surpass.

Remember, we are all here to exist and to figure out what and why and how and when.

We are here to experience. Across all walks and age. Across all differences and phase.

Anyway, we are all life’s students.